Wednesday, September 27, 2006

 

Well, I didn't see that coming

During a visit to the park and duck pond today, our little guy ran around for awhile with his shoes off. Because his dumbassed mother put sandals on him, when he was going to be running around in fine pea gravel. Number of times one of us had to remove a pebble from his shoe before we wised up and removed the sandals: 172 Or 3. But damn, that's a long way down every five seconds, y'all.

So, somewhere along the way, he picked up an allergic reaction to something. We truly have no idea what. He goes outside barefoot at home. Hell, I spent my entire childhood (and if I'm honest, most of my adulthood) barefoot.

We brought him home (by which time he was COVERED in red welts and bumps. Yes, welts and bumps.), dosed him with some Benedryl and put him in a baking soda bath. Within 15 minutes, there was a marked improvement and by the time he got up from his nap, he was all better.

Now, you other parents out there (or nurses, who happen to be related to me), what the hell will cover a kid in nasty looking ...things....in the space of 10 minutes (the length of the drive home), but is benign enough to be cured by Benedryl, baking soda and an hour long nap?


I'm glad it wasn't any more serious than it turned out to be, because if I'd had to watch Project Runway in the ER waiting room...well, let's just say that they wouldn't booted the small one out without treating him, but we might have got put on one of those watch out for this crazy bitch lists.

For those who don't know what happened, and you don't want to know yet...what the hell are you doing here? Seriously.

They didn't eliminate anyone this week. All four finalists are going to Olympus Fashion Week!

I must say, I'm relieved, as Michael did not do his best work and it was down to him and Jeffrey. Jeffrey's dress sucked more, but I've seen him do worse (couture, my ass) and have the judges have simultaneous hissy fits over what a genius he is.


Oh, and also, my son lost his phone in the Mojave Desert....somewhere. So if one of you guys find it, will you let me know? Thanks in advance!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

 

She's actually her own bad example

There has been some conjecture about where my daughter got her little joke from the last post. Pookie and my brothers have been named as suspects. Just for the record, she got it from a movie. The menfolk are innocent this time.

Especially Pookie, who is more refined than every person who has ever been related to me, ever. My grandmother could make her ass dance independant from the rest of her body, and would do so, with the slightest provocation.

I married up, is what I'm saying here.

Also, as icky boys go, Pookie's not too bad. He's never farted in bed and held the covers over my head, for instance. Which is a good thing, because who would raise the children with him dead and me in jail?

Monday, September 25, 2006

 

Princess, my shiny white butt

A few days ago, my daughter walked up to me and announced, "I have a gut feeling something bad's about to happen."


Then? She farted.


Happy Monday, everyone!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

 

A Call to Arms

First, to answer a few questions:

Pat: Lightning McQueen is a character from the movie Cars. He's a race car. Currently little man's hero. A drivable Lightning McQueen is a toy that he can sit in and drive. Now, what is this East Village you speak of? Are there lots of animated movie fans there?

Mrs. Chili: Yes, gator. I will note that I only finally felt better today. Rule of thumb, only one gator on a stick for any one visit to the fair. Because, OMG.

Andy: I don't honestly know what fair it was. It was the fair that comes to town once a year. Is that the state fair? Or do we not get the state fair here because it's Podunkville and we have to compensate with the local fair of food poisoning?

And a special note to Roo: AVOID THE GATOR!!


Now, on to the reason I've called you all here today:

There's this guy at work. He's what you might call a prankster. I call him worse things daily. He likes to mess with me and I like to retaliate.

There have been twists and turns in the ongoing battle: Waterfights (seriously, they used less water to film The Titanic than we've wasted in water fights).
Walking around a corner and having the everloving crap scared out of you (I've been told I do a very satisfting leap and scream combo) (and when I punch the crap out of his arm? That's when I get my satisfaction).
The open cans of catfood left in inconspicuous places (if you think cat food stinks fresh out of the can, wait until it's sat in a light fixture for two days.)
The label he stuck around my around my arm that stretched from my wrist to my elbow (and the ensuing hilarity as I ripped all the hair off my arm. Apparently, strangled screams are a HOOT).

Are you getting the picture, Internet?

So this morning I get to work and he has wrapped my entire grooming table and the grooming arm up in shrink wrap.

I took some really crappy pictures with my crappy camera phone so y'all can get a crappy idea of what it looked like:

Pic 1:










Ok, it's a really crappy picture but the word 'Ha!' is written on the shrink wrap.


Pic 2:










Looks like a Hershey's kiss, huh? Here is it says 'Casting Stones'. Before you ask, I have no idea what the hell that means.


So he got me pretty good and I'd like to get him back even better. My first instinct is to shrink wrap his truck's doors, into the shut position. Then maybe I can write something really esoteric on it.

But there's got to be something better than simply taking his prank to the next level, right?

Y'all gotta help a bitch out, yo. I need relatively harmless (though a little hair loss on his part wouldn't hurt my feelings), legal revenge, appropriate for the workplace.

Now some of y'all would probably argue that revenge of any flavor is inappropriate in the workplace. To you I say, "Hah!'.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

 

I hate it when he's right.



Last evening, I announced to Pookie that the girl child and I wanted him to take us to the Fair.

His response was a resounding...well, whatever sound an annoyed grunt makes. Suffice to say, he wasn't really excited about it.

So we head out early this afternoon, in the scorching heat, because Mother Nature was just fucking with us last week when it almost felt like Fall outside. I hate that bitch.

As soon as we got there, I signed up for a raffle to win a drivable Lightning McQueen for the little man. Which I would LOVE to give him for his birthday, but Pookie won't let me buy him one from the store because they are eleventy million dollars. Yet another example of how unreasonable the man is. Y'all keep your fingers crossed that I win the raffle. Or your toes. Or your eyes, if you wish to be supportive and amusing.

We gorged ourselves on such delicacies as gator on a stick, sausage on a stick and catfish on a stick. Because we are a family of gourmands, that's why. I also made Pookie buy me a funnel cake, which I took two bites of and then gave to a friend of the girl child. Because he looked skinny and hungry. And also because I was going to explode if I took another bite. (side note to girl who made the funnel cake: Believe it or not, there is a limit to how much powdered sugar should be on a funnel cake. Find that limit and work within it, please. Funnel cake killing bitch.)

We also drank our combined weight in lemonade. Many, many lemons died in our quest for hydration. We salute you, you brave little yellow bastards.

We've now been home for quite some time, and I still want to punch anyone who mentions food, we're all exhausted, and we're quite a bit broker.

I really do hate it when he's right.

Friday, September 15, 2006

 

School Daze

Some of you already know that we are homeschooling the girl child. I won't go into the reasons we are home-schooling her, because the point of this post is not to start some great debate. Basically, if you feel like home schooling is the province of gun-toting redneck Christians, you're right. I'm not here to convince you otherwise.

Besides, we have been known to tote guns, Pookie is most decidedly a redneck and we don't have quite enough to kids to be Catholic.

Suffice to say that the girl child was a well-liked honor student with no record of misbehavior whatsoever when she came to us and asked to be home-schooled.

So, anyway, this evening I was reading the report she'd written for the book Catcher in the Rye. It was a very thorough report and gave the reader (me) a good sense of the plotline, timing and motivations of the central character.

I just wanted to quote a line out of that report for you, because I almost peed myself while reading it.

She says, when referring to a particular character , "Luce was a real butthole, by the way."

Y'all, I snickered for 5 minutes.

I guess she has her writer's voice pretty well in hand, although I probably shouldn't encourage such editorializing. I'm pretty sure her college professors won't be nearly as tickled as I was.

I give her an A+!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

 

Buh.

I tend to watch Project Runway on Thursday night instead of Wednesday (the night it airs) for two reasons.

1. I have Tivo . I can fast forward through the commercials. I can rewind to the best bits. I can pause it while I yell obsenities at the TV. Seriously, if you don't have TiVo? Get it.

2. By the time it's all Tivo'd, it's 10 o'clock and time for this old bird to get to bed. Early to bed, early to rise makes a girl surly, rude and unwise.

So I didn't start watching last night's episode until just now. The title of this post was what I said, verbatim, when I saw the twist at the beginning of the episode.

Jo, why you didn't call me?? I know you were planted in front of the TV last night, you no Tivo having bitch.

( I have to break in here to tell you that Kayne just caused Tim Gunn to say 'Oh, Jesus!'. Awesome.)

Oh, Geez, Laura's crying. Usually, I have no respect for that kind of thing, because Girlfriend, grow up. This is business and you got no business crying. But she's pregnant and exhausted and is crying against her will. I feel for her.

Ok, Vincent's model (yes, Vincent!) was in an accident. She's fine but they replaced her with another model. One a lot bigger than the first model. So big she broke the zipper in his top. Now y'all know how I feel about Vincent, but that is just crazy. Was there an effort to find a like sized model? Criminey.

Ok, my impressions of each outfit:

Angela's: HATE.

Kayne's: Meh. Think he's gonna get points taken off for not quite following the guidelines given.

Laura's: LOVE. (I thought I should be equally as emphatic about love as hate.) That model looks adorable, respectable and sexy.

Michael's: Oh, damn. That man can make a dress look good and make a good-looking woman look even better when she wears it.

Jeffrey's: I don't need to see a drug test. That boy is smoking dope. The good shit, too. This dress would be appropriate at a cocktail party given by the Osbournes.

Uli's: Eh, not so much.

Vincent's: Don't look now, there's a high class hooker on the runway.

And the winner is.....Laura!! Whoohoo!

Now, let's see who's leaving.

Aww, man. It's Kayne. The one time his outfit doesn't look like it belongs in a closet at Graceland and he fucks it up with this little white ribbon.

For a brief shining moment there, I thought Jeffrey was gonna go.

Oh, the humanity.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

 

Memes gone wild

Whoohoo! Posting two days in a row! I'm wild and crazy! I flat out stole this meme from Jen at Jennsylvania. That's right, I'm a meme stealing rebel. You gotta watch out for me. You cain't ever tell what I might do.



1. Do you have a college degree?
Nope. I have a GED. I scored higher than anyone else in the state of Louisiana for that year. That's right, I'm smarter than any other high school drop out in Louisiana for the year 1990. Suck it, fellow drop out bitches!

2. What was the amount of your last electric bill?
I don't know exactly how much because we seem to have misplaced the bill, which will be even funnier when they turn the power off for nonpayment. Pookie says to say it's outrageously high.

3. Do you have life insurance?
Yep, but Pookie has way more. So while we would prefer to drift off this mortal coil together, in our sleep, in the nursing home when we're 100, really, it makes more financial sense for him to go first. I'm just sayin'.

4. How many hours per week do you work?
As few as possible. HAHAHA. Ahem. Anyway, about 40 a week. But only until I win the lottery.

5. Have you ever attended a Toastmasters event?
Um. Nope. And I'm pretty sure I'm grateful to be able to say this.

6. Favorite place to attend Happy Hour?
I've never actually attended Happy Hour. I am a lightweight puss.

7. How many miles is your commute to work each day (one way)?
About 7 miles, I think.

8. What time do you get up every morning for work?
6 a.m. Also known as 'what the fuck is that noise? o clock.'

9. What is your definition of sleeping in late?
Usually 8 a.m. but I've been known to dwell abed until 10 or so. I hate sleeping late on a day off. The whole damn day is just gone.

10. Do you check your cholesterol on a yearly basis?
Ha. That's funny. No.

11. How large was your first cellular phone?
I've only had one for about 6 years, so it wasn't one of those mega-phones. (get it? megaphone?)

12. Does your employer provide good health insurance?
I suppose so, but I don't take advantage of it because Pookie's is AWESOME, thank you very much. I had a baby for FREE, people.

13. Did you use the internet to write a research paper?
Um. No. When I was still writing papers, about 5 people had internet and I wasn't one of them.

14. Have you attended a HS reunion?
Nope. I don't think they have GED reunions. And if they did, I'd have to take a pass. Because, really.

15. How many jobs have you held in your professional career?
Hmm...not counting fast food jobs as a teenager and young adult, because everyone does that, I've had 5 jobs, all of them grooming and for a brief glorious time as my own boss with Patsy as my partner. (I miss that. I miss Patsy and I miss being able to tell a customer what was on my mind. 'You don't like our price and don't want to pay even though you knew the price before you dropped off your dog? Here's what I'll do: You pay me every red cent you owe me and then carry your ass somewhere else next year when your neglected, matted, mangy dog needs another haircut. How's that?')

16 Have you ever been fired or laid off from a job?
Once. Kind of funny actually, because I didn't deserve to get fired and the boss actually called me repeatedly over the next few months to try to get me to come back. The funny part is all the times I didn't get fired when I deserved to. Burger King will put up with a lot of shit, is what I'm saying here.

17. What is your favorite drink?
Sweet iced tea. If we're talking alcoholic beverage, well, I guess I'd say White Russian, mostly because because it doesn't taste alcoholic. Did I mention that I'm a lightweight?

18. What is the most expensive bottle of wine that you have in your residence?
I don't actually think we have any wine. I don't like wine and will generally only drink it if it's white and I can put some Sprite in it. I realize I just made people all over the internet cringe, but that's how I roll, y'all.

20. How old were you when you stopped getting ID'd for Alcohol?
Ha! Wanna hear how old I was when I started getting ID'd? I've never been carded, except for cigarettes when I was in my early 30's and I think the girl must have needed glasses. I still stuck my tongue down her throat in gratitude though. I wonder if she thinks about me still. Sigh.

21. Favorite casino?
I've only been to one, so that one's my favorite! I can't remember the name, but it was on this side of the Red Rver in Louisiana right down from the Sci-port, if that helps anyone.

22. Are you happier now than you were in high school?
Oh, Hellz yeah. Fatter but happier.

23. Did you ever have Hypercolor shirts?
I don't know what they are, so I think we can safely assume I've never had one. I did rock parachute pants though. I had em in every color, and I was HOTT.

24. Do you remember when Michael Jackson was black and attracted to older people?
Why, yes I do. Man, he was the most adorable kid on earth when he was little. And still pretty cute when he did the Thriller album. Now, I hear he faints every time he hears that they have little boys' pants half off at Wal-Mart. Schmuck.

25. Do you remember when MTV actually played music videos?
I want my, I want my, I want my MTV. Yeah. I kinda feel like we got the best years of MTV. I have to admit though, I've watched more than my fair share of Real Worlds. I could still kick that little bastard Puck's ass.

26. Have you had a will made?
Nope. I guess we should, huh? Not right now though, I'm too busy being invincible.

27. What music was in your cd / cassette player when you were 16?
John Cougar Mellencamp, baby. There was a boy who went to my school who looked just like him and I adored him from afar while humming Jack and Diane and wishing that my mother had had the foresight to name me Diane. Sigh.

28. Favorite fancy / upscale restaurant?
Alfredo's. We loved it before it became fancy and upscale, when it was still housed in an old building made of rocks that used to be a liquor store.

29. How long has it been since you attended a kegger?
I was 16 when I attended my first and last kegger. I've had more fun and better conversation during visits with the Ob-gyn.

30. How many major wars have you lived through?
I think they're all major. I cannot find it in myself to think 'minor' when guns are being fired at human beings, sorry. So basically every conflict involving weaponry since 1969.

31. Where were you when you found out about 9-11?
On my way to work when the first plane hit, thinking it was just (just??) a horrible tragedy. At work when the second plane hit and the news about the other planes hit and I realized what was really going on.

Monday, September 11, 2006

 

Better days

I found myself looking at the sky today. Frequently.

Five years ago today, I found myself looking at the sky. Frequently.

Then, it was because I was convinced that at any minute a plane was going to fall out of the sky. Never mind that at the time I lived in a medium sized city in Louisiana and all the attacks had been focused on landmarks in large cities.

September 11, 2001 was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't know anyone killed in the attacks. I didn't know anyone who knew anyone killed in the attacks. I was as removed as one could be, and yet I still felt it in my soul.

I have a bit of a reputation for being tough, and someone commented that they were shocked at how upset I was. I was taken aback at that, as what kind of person wouldn't be shocked and horrified and devastated at the violence and the loss of life ?

I was also terrified.

To put it simply, I took it very personally.

So I spent the day scanning the skies, worrying and waiting.


Today, I was watching the skies because it was cloudy. I wasn't scared of another attack. I was hoping for rain. But every time I raised my eyes skyward, I thought about all those people. Every time.

Then, it rained and cleared the mugginess from the air. It smells so sweet and green outside.

It's a better day, today.

*************************************************************************

A new pic of my oldest son. Who I swear to God is getting better looking every day. Also, he's really buff (I put that in for him).


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

 

Week in Review (so far)

Thing that made me really very sad this week:
The passing of Steve Irwin. I know he was an easy target for mockery, but at the end of the day he was a good person who worked his ass off to educate and entertain. I bet more than one kid will think differently about nature and the environment as a result of his work. Would that more of us had the ability/opportunity to mold young (and old!) minds. My heart just breaks for his family.

Thing that horrified me this week:
Reading that Survivor contestants will be divided up into tribes according to race. If I had ever watched this trainwreck in the first place, I would be refusing to watch it this season. Like we need more fodder in the whole race wars debate. I bet the black contestants have to ride in the back of the canoe.

Thing that made me deliriously happy this week. So happy I almost cried:
Project Runway. Vincent is GONE. Gone. Only the knowledge that Jeffrey has gained a stronghold by winning the last two challenges mars my joy. I would like to volunteer to scrub those tattoos off his neck. With an SOS pad. And lemon juice.

Thing that pissed me off this week:
Plagiarism.

Thing that depressed me this week:
I still have not won the lottery, enabling me to live in the style to which I could become very accustomed. Damnit.

Thing that made me whiney this week:
Little Man and I are both a little sick and a lot grumpy. Luckily, we both like to be cuddled when we don't feel good, so we have each other's back.

How's your week going?

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